DEAR AMY: Almost seven years ago, my wife of 24 years learned that I had a 10-year affair with her closest friend. I had ended that relationship, but then I had a two-year affair with another friend of hers.
(Affair partner No. 1 exposed my second affair to my wife.)
I moved out, my wife divorced me and our two grown kids were traumatized and disappointed in me, but chose to see that I was horribly ashamed of my behavior and forgave me.
My former wife and I continued in therapy with the hopes of reconciliation. We are now living together.
My commitment to her and our family is certain. I live with shame for what I did and how it affected many lives. My former wife will not go to social events if she might see the women who betrayed her.
We have not seen the other couples in several years. My ex-wife's pain from these traumas is always just below the surface, and I hear about my affairs again and again.
I love her, but I am tiring of hearing about my actions, which traumatized me too
Is full reconciliation impossible? I can't take back 12 years of adultery, but I want a future with the woman I loved all along. -- Now, True Blue
DEAR NOW: It is possible for your wife to forgive you and yet not be able to forget.
Remember that she was betrayed not only by you, repeatedly, but by two friends. That's a lot to get over.
It is exceptionally hostile for you to choose to be unfaithful to your wife with her friends. I can only hope that in addition to atoning for your own actions, you have also at least attempted to understand them.
I believe that full reconciliation is possible, but your wife may not want to reconcile -- or she might be ambivalent. (I would not be ambivalent.)
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http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/07/26/AR2010072603117_2.html
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