How to Lose your Husband

http://atlanta.craigslist.org/atl/rnr/1712354223.html


1. Gain about 75 pounds when you have your second kid, and don't take it off for 25 years. When your husband tries to bring up the subject, chuckle about it and talk about how comfortable you are in your own skin, etc. etc.

2. Be laying in bed every morning when he gets up before dawn to go to work to his half-assed dead end job, be sitting on the couch every night watching Dr. Phil when he gets home. Extra bonus points: When he leans over to kiss you goodbye, ask him "are you really wearing THAT?" so as to crush his confidence just a little bit as he steps out the door.

3. In light of (2) above, complain about money. Ask him why you do not have the nice things your friends do, go on cruises, etc. Extra points if you have a Master's Degree and are working less than 20 hours a week yourself.

4. In light of (3) above, whenever he get a chance for advancement, or relocation, or has to work a little extra, whine about it, do not support his decision, and refuse to change what you have.

5. Reverse Cheerleading: Whenever he starts on a project, tell him "you will fail". Whenever he succeeds, tell him "you got lucky. You will fail next time."
When he fails, say "I knew you would fail"

6. Show up to bed wearing one of those Christmas sweaters with all of the beads and teddy bears glued to it. If he tries to be intimate, stop in the middle of everything to put the dog on the bed. If the phone rings, answer it.

7. If he gets laid off, start cutting out want ads from the paper and lay them on his desk every morning. It will be a daily reminder that he is a failure, and crush him just a little bit more. Extra bonus points if you never cut a want ad out for yourself, never submit a resume, never go to an interview, and when he does finally get a job, additional bonus points if you complain because it does not pay enough. Extra bonus points if you have a Master's Degree. If there is one time in his life that he needs a friend, be sure not to be it.

8. Never, Never, Never give him the idea that he might be attractive to women. If he tries to lose weight, buy a bowl of candy and put it on the counter. If he joins a gym, starts running, or otherwise works out, tell him to stop. He needs that voice in his head to tell him to give up. If he starts combing his hair differently, wearing deodorant, and getting some tight jeans that will fit, laugh at him.

9. Kill his social life. Do not allow him to have friends. If he goes out without you, complain. If it looks like he is having fun, look down your nose at him. Extra points if you go to book club, bunco, and Ladies Night out yourself at least once a month.

10. Always pick the movie. Always pick the TV show. Always pick the restaurant. If he does suggest something, once a year, agree, and then complain about absolutely everything that happens all night, including how you do not like the car he drives, the clothes he is wearing, or anything else. This will crush his confidence and discourage him from initiating anything for the next year. Never say anything positive. This goes double for anything related to (6) above.