Infidelity is always bad for a marriage, right? Not necessarily, according to Esther Perel, who challenges conventional wisdom about marriage and sex in her controversial book Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. Babble spoke with the New York-based therapist about the changing notions of infidelity — especially online — and what it means for parents in particular.
What misconceptions do people have about infidelity?
People assume that having affairs points to a flaw in the marriage and that it's a symptom of something gone awry, that if the relationship was fine, this wouldn't happen. But there are multiple meanings and motives for infidelity. Some of them are the consequence of dissatisfied or even abusive situations and bad relationships. But there are a host of infidelities that have nothing to do with the relationship. The majority of adulterers are reasonably happy in their marriages.
Why do parents, in particular, seek sex outside of marriage?
One of the things that defines modern couplehood is that we believe there is one relationship for everything and that one person is going to give you what an entire village used to provide. In marriage, we've always wanted to have children and a family life, to have companionship and economic support, and, on top of it, we also want the same person who gives us all that to give us a sense of mystery and excitement and novelty that will help us cross over the mundane and the ordinary.
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