Rules for Husbands

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Follow these simple rules for a happy marriage! Easy as pie...remember though don't get discouraged if it isn't effective the first or fifth year of marriage, keep at it and be persistent...eventually it will pay off.

1. From day one of marriage, (contrary to popular belief) never send your wife flowers. Doing so can cause a woman to become harsh and mean. She will eventually evolve to expect this behaviour once every couple months and this is not good for obvious reasons. $ on flowers = less $ on beer. **Note: At all costs, avoid sending your wife flowers at work. Showing them off to friends(especially friends at work with flowers on their desk) will create a very hateful wife.

2. Avoid any opportunity to have a date with your wife, especially a date where there is a PDA. (public display of affection) PDA + date= bitch.

3. No matter your attractiveness or the size and shape of your wife, call her a fat ass at any given opportunity. Early morning hours work best. Women love this. She will be running up to you in a matter of minutes to hug and kiss you as a reward. You may find at first in following this rule your wife will want to run out in rebellion and eat something really fattening like a hot fudge sundae or burrito. Ignore this and continue on until you get your hugs and kisses as a reward.

4. Always remember the D and V rule....having a dick makes you right, having a vagina makes you wrong. This applies in ALL circumstances. Make sure you let your wife know how much you love her by living by this rule. You will reap the rewards....

5. Sex is overrated, at least when you hit 40 it is. You see, men go through their sexual peak at age 18, women between 32 and 38. But sex isn't important to women, just men...at a certain age that is. Us men have already hit our peak and climbed it well, and often...remember when you were 18-25...I do. That was fun, but over now. Whether your wife is 20 or 30, remember accommodating her at this time of her life will make her feel weak and therefore she will turn nasty in a heartbeat. You see she will get mood swings when she gets too much sex. This can't be explained here... until you live the mood swings, you will just have to take my word for it. Withhold and ignore.

6. At some point in your marriage your wife will enter a stage of "menopause" OR she will enter a stage in her life where her hormones become...shall we say "out of whack?" Anyway, this is due to various reasons. If you want to know and familiarize yourself with them, you can find loads of info on Google. I always say, "hormones, smourmones." Your wife really doesn't want to fall prey to hormones and be miserable and irritable, so ignore the problem, call her a bitch, often. Eventually, and I say eventually, the hormones will straighten out. Don't show any concern though or extra attention, especially disobeying rules 1-5. Doing so will cause unwanted irritability.

7. While in public walk really fast and stay steadily paced ahead of your wife. Show your embarrassment to be seen with her. Never introduce her to anyone you know should you run into such a person. This technique dates back to the early ages or even several middle eastern countries this present day and has had proven effectiveness in a long, healthy marriage.

8. Cooking for your wife always keeps her happy. Most women LOVE hamburgers, so cook them often. Especially important: never cook anything she would choose herself.

9. Remember, women love mixed messages. There are two ways to handle special occasions, completely forget or refer to rule 3 and then every time a gift occasion comes up,(Christmas, birthdays, Valentines Day or anniversaries) buy her a 5lb box of chocolates or take her to an all you can eat buffet. She will probably eat mostly salad, so when she gets a bite of real food say something like, " You are gonna eat all that?" She won't be able to keep her hands off of you. Have a fun ride home!

10. Rule number 10, probably should be rule 1, but it makes a better finish. Be very cautious and watch for signs that these rules aren't working for you. My technique works 90 % of the time, (refer to rule 4) but if you happened to be one of the rare 10% of men who did not get lucky enough to marry a cave woman, following these rules could have detrimental effects. If at any time during the first several years you see opposite results, stop and reverse the rules. Continue on reversed rules. The effects shouldn't shouldn't take too long to diminish. If they don't diminish in 4 weeks, threaten physical violence.

Good Luck and Happy Marriage!!!

"The Happy Husband"

***Three marriages strong, I speak from experience!!! It works!!

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